Tag: Life

“Contemporary Muslim Woman” Series: Dating While Muslim by Zeba Iqbal

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Wajahat Ali's avatarGOATMILK: An intellectual playground

GOATMILK continues its original and exclusive month long series entitled “The Contemporary Muslim Woman” featuring diverse Muslim women writers from around the world discussing a gamut of topics in their own unique, honest and eclectic voices.

Zeba Iqbal, author of the now famous “Over 30 and Unmarried” post returns with…

Dating While Muslim

Zeba Iqbal

muslim-dating


A provocative title, though I doubt the discussion will be quite as titillating. Before getting into a debate over the title, I’d like to establish some context. Marriage is important in Islam, for men and women. Love and respect are too. To even contemplate loving and respecting someone enough to marry them, one has to meet and speak with the person sufficiently in open, non-judgmental, supportive and protected settings that promote honest and relevant dialogue. That is the premise for ‘dating while Muslim’.

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WHEN I THINK ABOUT MARRYING: Zeba Iqbal

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Wajahat Ali's avatarGOATMILK: An intellectual playground

ALTMUSLIMAH.COM

http://www.altmuslimah.com/a/b/a/3003/

ZEBA IQBAL

muslim_wedding_hands

Many of my single women friends are over 30, and some are now over 35. Together we either laugh till we cry, or cry till we laugh when we talk about the challenges of meeting and marrying Muslim men. The situations we find ourselves in today are both funny and sad – at the same time.

I’m glad to have women (and now men too) with whom I can share my myriad of emotions and observations on this topic. I feel much less alone now than I have in the past in this regard. I know that Allah is with me, which definitely does give me solace, but having support that I can see and feel makes a big difference.

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Opinion: Finding a “Good Muslim Man”

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NOTES: The following comments are from Zawaj.com.  Views come from those who live all over the world and consider  themselves practicing Muslims.  Spelling has not been corrected, but comments have been edited (for length).  Content has not been changed.  This message thread was closed in late 2011.

Anonymous (posted first message on this topic on board in Fall 2010):

I feel hopeless in that I simply do not attract Muslim men, or Muslim men my family will approve of at least. I attract educated and polite men, usually of the Catholic faith. One Catholic man even asked my father for my hand in marriage. I have not attracted a Muslim man.

My parents claim to give me the right to choose my spouse as long as he is a “good Muslim, educated, of good family and good character” but maybe it’s just become too hard to find that?

I try to get out more often to keep my mind off of the fact I am lonely.

Hanan:

I’m a Muslim girl, aged 25, and I haven’t had any proposals only because I’m slightly dark. I don’t mind this, and being a Masters, I’m actually very busy these days to go any place to search for eligible men, and I have plenty of non-Muslims who fancy me. Why do Muslim men always want perfection in women, and yet we’re not allowed to do the same (because we get older and lose our appeal)? Is that fair?

SisterZ:

Certain cultures may certainly frown upon a female actively looking for a spouse, but there is nothing wrong from an Islamic point of view if a female looks for a spouse, if of course you adhere to the Islamic guidelines.

In response to this comment:

The Muslim men who are introduced to me are what I call “passive” Muslim men.

That one line holds your problem and your solutions.

Instead of allowing your family to introduce such men to you, look for a good man yourself. By saying that, I mean, don’t allow yourself to be limited by your family’s requirements. I am making assumptions when I say this, but I am pretty sure that your family have never introduced anyone outside of the Indian subcontinent to you. Look for a good Muslim man – period. I know that is easier said than done with our cultural barriers. But its better you find a good Muslim man regardless of what culture he is, than marry a good Non Muslim man.

Liberate your horizons.

Al Aman Al Haqq (a male commenter):

…it has come to my attention that on so many levels, Muslim women are not being able to find suitible Muslim men whom they consider well practicing. It pains me to watch as some of my older sisters in the community 27-32 are still single even though they are some of the most intelligent and well devoted sisters to Islam. These women are in want of good husbands, and more often than not, there is a lack of men.

Sarah (identifies self as South Asian American):

I spent 7 1/2 years taking care of my mother who was suffering from cancer while working full-time. I am back in school to change my career, to become a psychotherapist, because I feel Allah will be pleased that I want to help the Muslim community

…I am in my 30s and want to get married but cannot find anyone. Friends and family have introduced me to some people, but I have the same issues as some of the other sisters [in Islam, not biological]. I am very educated, and therefore, education is important to me. He does not have to have a professional degree or PhD., but education is important. Also, some men are threatened when their wife has more education than them.

I do want to mention that just as many women may want a man who has money, there are way more men who are so into looks, that they will look over marrying a pious, devout woman because her skin is too dark or she is not beautiful enough (however that is defined by the individual person).

I have tried the matrimonial sites; however, it seems that I’ve reached “an expiration date” and the Muslim men on these sites tend to be interested in younger women.

The Skinny Rules by Bob Harper (Book Excerpt)

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RULE 1: DRINK A LARGE GLASS OF WATER BEFORE EVERY MEAL—­NO EXCUSES!

This has got to be the easiest rule there is. Which is a good place to start. But it’s also one of the most important rules there is. You simply must stay hydrated. At a minimum I want you to drink a large glass of water before every meal. But I’d prefer that you drink at least five glasses of water a day, the first one within fifteen minutes of waking.

Now, do I really need to harass you about this? I do. Because during the process of losing weight, nothing is so crucial to your success. Water keeps your organs healthy while you’re sweating, keeps food moving through the system, and makes you feel full.

Let me put this plainly: drinking water helps you lose weight. You can see this most vividly in very overweight children. Recently, a group of Israeli researchers examined the resting energy expenditure (REE) of twenty-­one obese children. REE refers to the rate at which you burn calories when you are sleeping, watching TV, or just simply sitting there and staring into space. The researchers gave the kids a large serving of cold water, then began measuring the REE every 10 minutes. The reaction was more robust than anticipated. Within 24 minutes, REE began increasing. By 57 minutes, REE had increased by 25 percent, and this effect lasted 40 minutes.

Did you get that? Just by drinking water, your body increases its burning of calories. The scientists estimated that, if you just do this, you’ll burn off an extra three pounds over the next year.

That doesn’t sound like a lot, but I’ll take it. Won’t you?

Simple Hydration Tips

Make it your premeal policy: drink a large glass of water before every meal. No excuses.

End the day with preparation for a good start to the next: put a large, full glass of water on your bedstand every night and drink it when you wake up, every morning.

RULE 2: DON’T DRINK YOUR CALORIES

Caloric beverages steal your health and they steal great food from you. That’s right. They steal it because they are so heavily caloric themselves and will fill you up with all the wrong stuff. Think of the kinds of caloric beverages all around you.

Soft drinks: As you heft one of those cans or buckets of sugar water to your mouth, consider that you are actually eating the equivalent of what should be your entire lunch.

Think of it this way: all that corn syrup? It’s a bushel of corn! And remember, when factory farms want to fatten their cattle, what do they do? They feed them corn. So if you are drinking things with corn syrup, think about that. Are you a cow? No you are not.

Moreover, when you drink soda, you are ingesting what just about every legitimate medical authority in the world has named as suspect number one in today’s sprawling diabetes epidemic.

If, like most Americans, you are used to drinking lots of liquid calories, cutting out soda might be a tough adjustment. But it’s essential that you kick your soda habit ASAP.

Juices and juice drinks: Most juices have exactly the same number of calories—­and the same amount of simple sugars—­as a cola. Oh, you’ll protest, but doesn’t the fiber in a “natural” juice obviate that problem? No. That’s just what you’ve been told. It is the same as drinking a soft drink. You want fruit? Eat fruit. The whole piece of fruit. Not the extracted and manipulated juice.

A latte on the way to the gym? Sorry. Milk also has a tanker-­full of calories. True, coffee itself—­which most of the world drinks without milk, by the way—­is turning out to be a positive dietary element, although it’s still unclear why and how much. I’ll get back to that later, but for now, no lattes or chais, frappes, or mochas. If you must get something Euro, get a cappuccino, which contains very little milk (if made the right way), or even an Americano, in which you can better control the amount of milk. And if you must add milk, opt for the low-­ or no-­fat varieties. No cream. No half and half. Whole milk? No again.

In the same way I want you to step down from soda, I want you to immediately lay off the cream or half-­and-­half in your coffee. Don’t even go for the whole milk. Step down, step away! Start putting 2% milk or nonfat (skim) milk in your coffee and ordering any coffee-­based drink that way too. Today.

Now, why am I so down on liquid calories? Most of us know the basics: sugary drinks contain, uh, sugar, and sugar is made up of molecules that encourage the formation of new fat cells, as well as keeping existing ones filled.