“Contemporary Muslim Woman” Series: Dating While Muslim by Zeba Iqbal

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GOATMILK continues its original and exclusive month long series entitled “The Contemporary Muslim Woman” featuring diverse Muslim women writers from around the world discussing a gamut of topics in their own unique, honest and eclectic voices.

Zeba Iqbal, author of the now famous “Over 30 and Unmarried” post returns with…

Dating While Muslim

Zeba Iqbal

muslim-dating


A provocative title, though I doubt the discussion will be quite as titillating. Before getting into a debate over the title, I’d like to establish some context. Marriage is important in Islam, for men and women. Love and respect are too. To even contemplate loving and respecting someone enough to marry them, one has to meet and speak with the person sufficiently in open, non-judgmental, supportive and protected settings that promote honest and relevant dialogue. That is the premise for ‘dating while Muslim’.

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WHEN I THINK ABOUT MARRYING: Zeba Iqbal

Wajahat Ali's avatarGOATMILK: An intellectual playground

ALTMUSLIMAH.COM

http://www.altmuslimah.com/a/b/a/3003/

ZEBA IQBAL

muslim_wedding_hands

Many of my single women friends are over 30, and some are now over 35. Together we either laugh till we cry, or cry till we laugh when we talk about the challenges of meeting and marrying Muslim men. The situations we find ourselves in today are both funny and sad – at the same time.

I’m glad to have women (and now men too) with whom I can share my myriad of emotions and observations on this topic. I feel much less alone now than I have in the past in this regard. I know that Allah is with me, which definitely does give me solace, but having support that I can see and feel makes a big difference.

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Opinion: Finding a “Good Muslim Man”

NOTES: The following comments are from Zawaj.com.  Views come from those who live all over the world and consider  themselves practicing Muslims.  Spelling has not been corrected, but comments have been edited (for length).  Content has not been changed.  This message thread was closed in late 2011.

Anonymous (posted first message on this topic on board in Fall 2010):

I feel hopeless in that I simply do not attract Muslim men, or Muslim men my family will approve of at least. I attract educated and polite men, usually of the Catholic faith. One Catholic man even asked my father for my hand in marriage. I have not attracted a Muslim man.

My parents claim to give me the right to choose my spouse as long as he is a “good Muslim, educated, of good family and good character” but maybe it’s just become too hard to find that?

I try to get out more often to keep my mind off of the fact I am lonely.

Hanan:

I’m a Muslim girl, aged 25, and I haven’t had any proposals only because I’m slightly dark. I don’t mind this, and being a Masters, I’m actually very busy these days to go any place to search for eligible men, and I have plenty of non-Muslims who fancy me. Why do Muslim men always want perfection in women, and yet we’re not allowed to do the same (because we get older and lose our appeal)? Is that fair?

SisterZ:

Certain cultures may certainly frown upon a female actively looking for a spouse, but there is nothing wrong from an Islamic point of view if a female looks for a spouse, if of course you adhere to the Islamic guidelines.

In response to this comment:

The Muslim men who are introduced to me are what I call “passive” Muslim men.

That one line holds your problem and your solutions.

Instead of allowing your family to introduce such men to you, look for a good man yourself. By saying that, I mean, don’t allow yourself to be limited by your family’s requirements. I am making assumptions when I say this, but I am pretty sure that your family have never introduced anyone outside of the Indian subcontinent to you. Look for a good Muslim man – period. I know that is easier said than done with our cultural barriers. But its better you find a good Muslim man regardless of what culture he is, than marry a good Non Muslim man.

Liberate your horizons.

Al Aman Al Haqq (a male commenter):

…it has come to my attention that on so many levels, Muslim women are not being able to find suitible Muslim men whom they consider well practicing. It pains me to watch as some of my older sisters in the community 27-32 are still single even though they are some of the most intelligent and well devoted sisters to Islam. These women are in want of good husbands, and more often than not, there is a lack of men.

Sarah (identifies self as South Asian American):

I spent 7 1/2 years taking care of my mother who was suffering from cancer while working full-time. I am back in school to change my career, to become a psychotherapist, because I feel Allah will be pleased that I want to help the Muslim community

…I am in my 30s and want to get married but cannot find anyone. Friends and family have introduced me to some people, but I have the same issues as some of the other sisters [in Islam, not biological]. I am very educated, and therefore, education is important to me. He does not have to have a professional degree or PhD., but education is important. Also, some men are threatened when their wife has more education than them.

I do want to mention that just as many women may want a man who has money, there are way more men who are so into looks, that they will look over marrying a pious, devout woman because her skin is too dark or she is not beautiful enough (however that is defined by the individual person).

I have tried the matrimonial sites; however, it seems that I’ve reached “an expiration date” and the Muslim men on these sites tend to be interested in younger women.

Health & Beauty Tips Almost ANYONE Can Follow

1) Drink 2 glasses of water right after you wake up.  Many Hollywood celebs, who bank on their looks (as well as talent) have mentioned this habit.

2) Eat breakfast whenever you can!  In a time crunch, I suggest a banana and a cereal bar (Trader Joe’s has a good selection).  Below are some other easy options:

  • Cheerios w/ 1% milk (or ANY type of milk you like)
  • Fiber One cereal w/ almond milk (I STILL need to try this type of milk!)
  • Quaker Oatmeal (My dad loves most of the varieties; it has helped him lose a bit of stomach weight.)
  • Whole Foods granola (YOUR choice of flavor) w/ Fage 2% Yogurt (or ANY type of plain yogurt)

2) Moisturize your face, BUT don’t forget the neck!  (This is esp. important for women.)  Below are some good choice:

  • Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion (Yes, it’s pricy, BUT a fab product.  I recommend Clinique line for women w/ acne-prone/combination/oily skin.)
  • Oil of Olay (My mom says you can’t go wrong w/ this brand, and I agree.  She’s going to try the Total Effects line soon.) 
  • Nivea (My dad loves this product; he has naturally dry skin.  I recommend it for men, esp. during Winter months.)
  • Ponds (It’s not as thick/rich as Nivea; I use it in the Winter mos.)

3) Use an organic shampoo & conditioner.  It’s esp. good for those w/ fine/thin/fragile hair.  Just be on the lookout for deals, so you don’t spend too much.  If you can’t find an organic product, use those that are labeled “sulfate-free.”  

4) Take a lunch (from home) whenever possible!  (I’m terrible at this- need to get back into the habit this Fall.)  Not only will you save money, you’ll save calories.  

5) If you do NOTHING else, eliminate soda (including diet ones) from your diet.  I usually drink Coke once a week, but am trying to get rid of that habit (easier in the Winter season). 

Opinion: How do you differentiate good acting from bad acting?

Question posted by a contributor to Quora: How do you differentiate good acting from bad acting?

Could you give examples? I can’t differentiate between the two. Everyone says Tom Cruise was bad in “War of the World” or that he’s an bad actor in general. But how is he bad in acting? I also don’t find Phillip Seymour Hoffman an “outstanding actor” like everyone else says he is. Whenever I see him acting, I see PSH acting not the person. The same with Meryl Streep. I don’t see anything “convincing” or “great” in her acting. What’s the difference between Tom Cruise’s acting and PSH’s acting? The only actor that blends in and that convinces me that he’s a good actor is Daniel Day Lewis. But that’s it.
Response [w/ my opinions inserted] by Marcus Geduld, Shakespearean director, computer programmer, teacher, writer:

If anyone tells you there are objective standards, they’re full of crap. This is a matter of personal taste. There are trends. There are many people who loved Philip Seymour Hoffman’s acting. But if you don’t, you’re not wrong. At worst, you’re eccentric. [Some of my friends have asked me the same question in recent years, b/c I grew up watching a lot of TV (probably too much), and grew into a classic film buff.]

I’m a director who has been working with actors for almost 30 years, and I’m the son of a film historian. I’ll give you my definition of good acting. But I really want to stress that if I say, “Pacino is great,” and you disagree, my experience does not make me right and you wrong. It just means we have different tastes. [Pacino is great (IMO), but in recent roles, he’s been doing a lot of “scenery chewing.”  Perhaps that’s what the directors wanted?] 

First, for me, an actor is good if he makes me believe he’s actually going through whatever his character is going through. I’m talking somewhat about physical stuff (“He really is getting shot!” “He really is jumping off a moving train!”) but mostly about psychological stuff (“He really is scared!” “He really is in love!”). If an actor seems to be faking it, he’s not doing his job. [This is the crux of the article- an actor must be “real” (as the young folks say)!  Why do you think so many young people (from all over the world, including my dad) were mesmerized by seeing Marlon Brando for the first time?  He wasn’t afraid to “go there”- show the positives and negatives of modern American masculinity.  It was a breakthrough in acting, as we know. Another example I like to use is Gene Hackman.  He’s imposing (tall/broad); many theatrical casting agents referred to him as “too real” (as close pal Dustin Hoffman noted).] 

Second, the actor has to surprise me. This is the most nebulous requirement, but it’s important. Except for really small parts that aren’t supposed to call attention to themselves (e.g., a bank teller who just cashes the hero’s checks), it’s not enough for actors to just seem real. Seeming real is a requirement, but a second requirement is that I can’t predict their every reaction before they have them. Think of how someone might react if his or her significant other ends the relationship. There are many, many truthful ways—ways that would seem like a human being reacting and not like a space alien behaving in some bizarre, unbelievable way. An actor’s job is to know the breadth of human possibility and the depths of his or her own possibilities. He or she must pull from this well and surprise us. Otherwise, the actor becomes boring and predictable. [Another reason actors become “predictable”- it pays!  They weren’t always this way- what a shame.  It’s like being stuck in the same job for your entire career, even though you can do better.  Or being a Bollywood actor (sorry to fans of that genre).] 
There are many ways an actor can surprise. Gary Oldman and Johnny Depp surprise us by being truthful while playing multiple, very different roles. Jack Nicholson surprises by being … surprising. Even though he’s not a chameleon like Oldman or Depp, you never know what he’s going to do next. But whatever he does, it’s grounded in psychological reality. It never seems fake. Christopher Walken, Glenn Close, Al Pacino, and many others have a surprising danger in them. They’re a little scary to be around, because you feel they might jump you or blow up at you at any time. They are ticking time bombs. And, of course, many comedic actors (e.g., Julia Louis-Dreyfus) surprise us in all sorts of quirky, zany ways. Or watch Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant in Bringing Up Baby—absolutely surprising and absolutely truthful. Another great example of surprising acting that never seems fake is Diane Keaton’s work in Annie Hall. [Good call on Glenn Close there- she does project a hint of danger (check out Damages if you want something smart to watch).  A classic example I use is Robert Mitchum.  Yes, he was tall and handsome, but (and more importantly) he could be clever, funny, strong, etc.  He could go beyond the stereotype of tough guy- rare for his time.  And that danger was present, too.  I’ve become a big fan of his, as I noted before.] 
Third, the actor is vulnerable. Great actors share the parts of themselves that most people keep hidden. They are always naked. (Some are literally naked, but I’m talking about emotional nakedness.) Bad actors are guarded. They don’t want to share the parts of themselves that are ugly, mean, petty, jealous, etc. [Brando (we know about his real-life demons) could easily show us his vulnerable side.  As could James Dean- unfortunately, he died after making only a few films.  One of the most vulnerable actors from that time- Montgomery Clift (a closeted gay man).  His personal struggles contributed to his acting, no doubt.] 
There are so many examples of actors being naked onstage and screen. My favorite is Rosalind Russell in the movie Picnic. She plays a middle-aged teacher who is in danger of growing old and dying alone. There’s a heartbreaking scene in which she begs a man to marry her. She goes down on her knees in front of him. She gives up every scrap of dignity inside her and lets the scared, hurting parts of herself burst out. These are the same scared, hurt parts that are inside all of us—the parts we work hard to hide. [Yes, this writer is spot on re: Rosalind Russell in Picnic!  Her scenes are difficult to watch; this is Russell in middle-age, not as a young ingenue.]
This ties in with everything I wrote above: When actors are exposed and raw, it’s always surprising. And if it doesn’t seem real, there’s no point in it. In fact, this sort of emotional nakedness is very hard to fake. If you ever get a sense that an actor is showing you a secret part of himself, he probably is. Examples are Julianne Moore, Bryan Cranston, and Michael Redgrave in The Browning Version. He turns himself inside out and wrings out all his pain. [I’ve been watching Bryan Cranston on Breaking Bad recently, and yes, he’s pretty terrific!  My younger brother loved that show and told me a bit about it (though I was skeptical for some time).]
Fourth, the actor knows how to listen. It’s fascinating to watch actors when they’re not speaking. Some are too caught up in ego or technicalities (e.g., trying to remember the next line) to totally focus on whomever it is they’re acting with. Others seem to register everything they hear. You can see whatever is being said to them physically affecting them, as if the words are slapping them across the face. Watch Claire Danes. She’s an amazing listener. [James Stewart, one of my favorites, was known as a very good listener.  He valued that quality above all else.]  
Fifth, the actor has a well-honed “instrument,” by which I mean he knows how to use his voice and body to serve whatever role he’s playing. This doesn’t necessarily mean he’s slim and has a six-pack; James Gandolfini used his body well. It means he knows how to move and talk in expressive ways. His voice and body aren’t fighting him or holding tension that’s inappropriate to his role. [Kevin Kline and Denzel Washington, two theatrically-trained actors that I love, also use their bodies especially well.  Kline is very comfortable w/ his instrument- changing his accent/voice, walking, dancing, etc.  He projects ease and confidence, like Denzel.]
One negative example: Kristen Stewart. It’s almost painful to watch her. She looks like she’d rather be anywhere else besides in front of a camera. She is (or seems) very self-conscious. [I think my dad pointed out that self-conscious individuals couldn’t be good actors while we were watching a (rare for me) Bollywood film.  Many of the young actresses are chosen (mainly) for their looks; several so-called “stars” can’t even speak Hindi fluently!] 
To me, Hoffman was great because he embodied all of these traits. He was vocally and physically gifted. He wasn’t in great shape, but he used the shape he had in expressive ways. If you watch him closely when he’s not speaking, you’ll see he always listened to his co-stars closely. What they say affected him deeply, and his reactions grew organically out of whatever they had previously said or done to him. He was profoundly vulnerable. Always. This was his most distinctive trait. You always knew what you were getting from him was raw and honest. It was this rawness—as well as intelligence and a sly sense of humor—that made his work surprising and fresh. And I never once saw anything from him that seemed fake.  [PSH is a fine modern-day example, as the author noted.  Here is my take on his acting.]
I don’t hate Tom Cruise the way some people do. To me, he’s believable most of the time. He’s just not very interesting. He rarely surprises me, and he doesn’t seem to dig deep into a anything raw or vulnerable inside him. He seems guarded. The must vulnerable I’ve seen him is in Eyes Wide Shut, in which he did some good work. But it wasn’t brilliant, and it’s not his norm.
Keep in mind that many people (who aren’t themselves actors, directors, or obsessive film buffs) aren’t very clear on what an actor contributes to a film. It’s not necessary for most audiences members to understand who does what during production. Lots of people think an actor is great if they like his or her character. But that’s often a function of good writing more than good acting. Or they think she’s good if she pulls off some impressive effect, such as gaining or losing a lot of weight or pretending to be handicapped. Those are impressive stunts, but they aren’t the core of what actors do. If you forced me to rank Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man versus Dustin Hoffman in Kramer vs. Kramer, I’d say he did more exciting work in the latter. In Rain Man he was able to hide behind some stunts. In Kramer vs. Kramer, he just had to be truthful. [Kramer vs. Kramer was a bit ahead of its time- it’s a fine film.  Both Streep (then only 30 y.o.) and Hoffman shine in their roles.]
Some people think acting is good if they like the movie. Keanu Reeves, in my mind, is a horrible actor—mostly because he’s wooden and fake. It often seems as if he’s reading from cue cards rather than saying words that are his. There is a difference between playing an undemonstrative person and being a wooden actor. In fact, playing someone who is reserved is very difficult (because you have to act without showing very much), and the actors who pull it off are brilliant. I would point you to Anthony Hopkins in Remains of the Day, Tommy Lee Jones in many of his roles, and even Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry. These actors manage to convey the sense that although they have stony exteriors there’s much going on underneath.  [Reeves was a canker (as Don Jon says himself) in one of my favorite films- Much Ado About Nothing.  Pretty much everyone who saw it said: “Oh no, why is he in here!?  No idea why!] 
To me, Reeves conveys an actor who is showing up and saying his lines. Having auditioned many actors, I’m used to hearing ones that can take any writer’s lines and make it sound like their own words. And I’m also used to less experienced (or less gifted) ones who sound uncomfortable with words that aren’t their own. They sounds as if they’re are reciting or reading something. They sounds scripted. Listen to Reeves in this clip, especially at around 10 seconds in, when he says, “I have offended you with my ignorance, Count.” Many of his line-readings sound like that to me: He has not fully lifted them off the page and into his own mind and body. I don’t believe much else is going on underneath except maybe nervousness.  I don’t know if you can see a difference between Reeves, above, and Tommy Lee Jones here. They are both pretty deadpan. The difference, for me, is that Jones seems to be speaking his own words, even though they are just as scripted as the ones Reeves speaks. Jones is just much more comfortable in his skin and much more able to “own” his lines. If you feel otherwise, that’s fine. Remember, it’s subjective. [Tommy Lee Jones projects confidence and thus “owns” his roles; Keanu Reeves can’t do that.] 
But some people like Reeves because they think the Matrix films are cool. They confuse the movies with the actor. If some other actor had been in those films, those same people would have liked him, but since he plays the protagonist, they focus on him.
Finally, many people confuse an actor’s life with his work. Tom Cruise is a good example. He’s a high-profile Scientologist, and many people dislike that religion. They dislike his acting at least in part because they find him unsavory as a person. To some extent, this may be a sign of bad acting on his part. At least, he’s not a good enough actor to make people forget about his private life while they’re watching him in movies. To some extent, it wouldn’t matter how skilled he was. Currently, many people are having strong reactions to work by Woody Allen and Mia Farrow that have nothing to do with what they’re doing on screen. I’m not even remotely saying such people are wrong, stupid, or crazy. I’m just saying that people’s reactions to actors are often complicated and not 100 percent influenced by their performances.  [I’ve argued about this point with family and friends.  I feel that an actor’s personal life should be divorced from the work.  That being said, I do think some actors need to tone down their public drama- it can affect their future success.  Take a cue from the Brits.]